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bitch fest

Dec. 23rd, 2011 10:35 pm
celtic_sakura: (Cock)
So, first off, I must say that my husband and I have a bit of an age difference. He's 11 years older than me. Most of the time the age difference doesn't bother us, but sometimes it gets in the way.

I hate when he says things like "I am so old and run down. You're married to an old man..." or "You're so young sometimes..." or the most popular "You're too young to really get this reference." Its really annoying. It makes me feel like it really bothers him. It only bothers me when he says stuff like that. He also says that I have a thing for older men, which is kind of true, but I'm not a grave robber or anything. I just don't like guys my age, and I really don't like guys that are younger than me.

I've told him that I hate it when he says things like that, but he still does it. I really want to just tell him that if it's such an issue, then he should leave. But I don't want to be without him. I love him too much.

Also, he wants to be a teacher, but he's not really putting forth the effort to actually become a teacher. I told him about this program that our state does that gets people certified to be a teacher without having to get a masters in education. He has a bachelors in History, and he wants to be a History teacher, and if he really wants to teach, he can at a middle school level. The school system will pay most, if not all, of his student loans and then he can go back to school to get his masters so he can teach at the level he wants to - high school. However, he hasn't done any research in to it, and he keeps dragging his feet about it. We can't afford to keep living paycheck to paycheck. We want to get a car that works and get a house and start a family, but we can't afford any of that. If he becomes a teacher, even with only a bachelors degree, he'll be making more than both of our incomes combined. But no. He's not even looking in to it. He's also talking about getting a better job, but he has yet to update his resume or even apply elsewhere.

I keep applying to different places, but right now no one is hiring someone that's a college drop out. And I can't really afford to go back to school right now especially since I don't know what I want to do.

I told him a while ago that if we were to have kids, I'd want to at least have one before he's 40. Which is now 4 years away. Why 40? Because men actually start to become infertile after 40 so it is harder to conceive. Also, I want him to be physically able to enjoy our child (if we ever have one). I've also been having this feeling like I need to have children. Like, it's a strong urge to have a family and have a little one running around. It physically hurts to see little kids at work with their moms or dads shopping and being cute. And I also hate all of the looks of pity I get when people ask me how many kids I have and I tell them none.

And my husband doesn't even feel phased by any of this. He just gets mad and tells people it's none of their business and basically tells them to go fuck off. I've told him how I feel about it, but he just says "It'll happen eventually. You just need to be more patient." He wants to at least have a car before we start trying, but has he even looked at cars? No. I have, and all the ones that I find that we can afford he shoots down. He wants a perfect car, for not a lot of money. Guess what, that doesn't exist. The only thing that we can realistically afford is a clunker that just (barely) gets us from point a to point b.

Every time that I confront him about this, he just gets mad and says that I am overreacting and I need to be patient and he's trying and he's sorry that he's such a failure. Then I feel bad because it makes me feel like I am constantly nagging him and bitching and being impatient. We've had so many fights about this that I'm afraid to talk to him about it because we'll just fight again.

It also doesn't help that I am constantly asked by my mom why she isn't a grandmother yet. And then she gets all sad because she wants to be a grandmother and she feels like we'll never give her the pleasure of seeing any grandkids before she dies.

There's so much pressure on my to get pregnant by so many people, and even my body that I feel like I am going to drown. And my husband isn't there to save me.
celtic_sakura: (Default)
Here is my first entry. Yay!

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